Tuesday, August 29
-1:07 pm
"The LORD is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. My heart leaps for joy and I will give thanks to him in song."- Psalms 28:7I've got what I wished for; him meeting someone else. Clearly, no more thoughts should be left to dwandle about the past. Yah, I'll still feel tinges of hurt, but well, one can't just ripped out the heart and emotions right? And I'm lucky that my limbic system is still functioning well. [For a while I thought I might be turning into some heartless creature who just look at facts. Bleh.] It's a bittersweet affair but I'll move on. = Seeking comfort in both fellowships, my studies and my friends. They'll be enough for now. If prince charming is popping out anytime soon, I pray that my feelings will be ready for him. Thanks H, for talking to me that night. Thanks to you and A for coming to my room yesterday and talked. Though we didn't talk much about this thing but at least I was able to let it out, see how I really felt about the whole thing. If not, I think I'll be psychoing myself into moving on too quickly without having much time to recover.
Feelings of hurt and saddness should be given ample time to sort out I guess. Like I said, it's a bittersweet thing, so the memories left behind will be poignant. I don't regret meeting him. It was.. a different feeling from the rest of the guys. I won't say I'll grow much more mature after this whole thing but at least I was able to have gone through this stage. It'll make me more empathetic about such matters. And I'm glad.
Sometimes I feel that my brashness has erased all sorts of sensitivity to others. If it's only through these experiences that I can get most of my "sensitivity" back, I supposed it's worth it. Friendliness doesn't equate confidence. Being honest doesn't equate being rude. Sometimes, I think that my "consideration" kicks in too late, then I'll be cringing at my lack of thoughts and I don't like myself then. Then sometimes, I think I'm so nice that I think why aren't my friends appreciating it. Haha. So ego! Well, Seeing that I still have tight knitted groups from different stages of my life, I supposed, I'm not all that bad. =]
I do like myself more than the times I don't like myself. So don't worry readers, I won't do anything foolish. Not over something silly. I've still my life ahead of me. Everything is beautiful in God.
I'm loving the song we'll be singing next sunday. So touching. =]
Sunday, August 27
-8:37 am
"It is God who arms me with strength and makes my way perfect."- 2 Samuel 22:33After today is over, I'll be stressed free.
Okay, maybe not since I haven't finish my readings yet. Maybe I shouldn't have said "okay" to the leader thingy. Then I can zao earlier. Darn, think I should make someone my assistant leader. Hope P is in my group, then I can make him help me. Haha. I'll treat him la. Long overdue anyway.
YL is leaving for China soon. =[ So sad. Oh well, hope she'll do well there. Heh. How fun to be in a group of international student hehs.
Wednesday, August 23
-10:10 pm
"I have been crucified with Christ and I no longer live, but Christ lives in me. The life I live in the body, I live by faith in the Son of God, who loved me and gave himself for me."- Galations 2:20I still see it everywhere. Really very sian. It's so blardy common. But then, at least after writing it out, it felt better.
I really hope that bear won't work its curse here in school. Haha. It's really a little scary seeing it happened twice in a row. Heh.
Silly people with silly bubbles. When the world came crashing on us, we do nothing but complain and cry, trying to get sympathy. Life's not a bed of roses. It's just hard concrete, maybe spike with thousands of thorns. Why can't we do some introspection and foresee that impact will be terribly painful when we don't do the necessary adaptations? Bubbles don't last, isn't that a fact?
Tuesday, August 22
-9:54 am
Right, it's over. I shouldn't be lingering over it. Yah, it was only a few short months, but I guess that doesn't matter when the right one comes about no?
Man, I need to draw on past entries to get my absolve back. Haha. It's only a tentative stage, hopefully I will soon be truly over it.
I saw House last saturday and apparently there are five stages of grief - Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance. Think I'm in the 4th stage so hope is near. =] Speaking of that, does anyone have House season 2? I miss him so much that I can't wait for each episode every week.
So anyway, I'm like in hall typing away on my laptop when so many others had gone for lessons. Me? I only have one this afternoon. Hahahaha. Because HP101 is only on for alternate weeks, I'm free this morning from that tutorial! =] The assignments for HP101 seem weird, they don't concur to the usual tutorials we have; even HP102's seems more normal haha. Wonder how they will help in the exams. And seeing from past year exam papers, it's a tad intimidating although there aren't many questions to answers and there are MCQs. Yah, everyone is on the same level, but then undeniably there will be others who will be better. Hmm, just do my best I guess, nothing much I can do but to study hard for it. I like my major, so I really hope I can do well.
University life is something to get used to. Haha. This whole take-charge approach is what I've been looking forward to. Initially it's scary to not have anyone to help you look after the adminstrative matters - getting registered, getting matriculated and the likes; because you won't know what you have missed, but it's also exciting to know people from everywhere. You can just struck up a conversation with someone in the queue, bemoaning about the lack of efficiency of the staff and then exchange numbers and MSN contact or becoming friends of friends of friends. Lols. Not going FOC was alright I guess, at least I don't have to be actively sociable. Haha. I can be selectively sociable. Told K that I won't be a hiong boarder, just enough to ensure my place in hall - I can really get used to the life here; being independent and responsible for my own life. Guess after that trip to London and Hong Kong allowed me to take a peek of how much I can stand on my own. It didn't do much of course, but I think it still helped a little.
4 days week! I'm loving first semester! =]
-9:17 am
"For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith - and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God - not by works, so that no one can boast."-Ephesians 2:8-9It's obvious that that is not just a "friend", having put that kind of picture and those words. Why is it they have to hide it behind a facade? Or is it in the ai mei situation where nothing is confirmed but everything is just almost
there? So it'd be best that they don't say anything first? I just think that if you don't want to answer this kind of thing, best it's that you don't do anything OBVIOUS la.
I didn't know I was capable of it. Apparently it got into me more deeply than I want to admit. Time never amazes me how it changes things so quickly. Seeing everyone like that, it make me also want a taste of it. But looking at some others, it got me thinking that, it isn't all that easy too. A little dilemma huh? Haha. Well, I supposed nothing is ever easy in this world. I just want to have a go at it. It's lonely sometimes when you have no one whom you can share everything with.
I hate thinking too much. I hate having stupid fantasies that they are to a point of stupidity. I abhor expectations sometimes. I hate being too sensitive sometimes too. Logically I already know it is futile, because that one basic common ground is not there. As much as I like to defy it, it will make unhappy in the end. I KNOW it will. Emotionally, I think I'm just deprived and defiant so that is why. Maybe I should just be immersing in my books (because I'm starting to like it) and not logging on to MSN.
Where's the prince charming who is supposed to slay dragons and save me from that sorcerer's high tower?
Wednesday, August 9
-10:29 pm
" Are not five sparrows sold for two pennies? Yet not one of them is forgotten by God. Indeed, the very hairs of your head are all numbered. Don't be afraid; you are worth more than many sparrows. " -Luke 12:6-7No more five day weeks come tomorrow morning once I register for my next module. Haha. But oh well, at least the lecture on friday is bright and early in the morning, so I can have my rest of the day free. =] And I have the whole of wednesday morning and afternoon free. Can do some tuition-ing. Heh.
I haven't start on my revision for HP 101. DIE. It's like so messy la everything and I haven't develop a system on note-taking during lectures and then sorting them out. Just don't like everything hapzardly lying around. So messy. Makes me don't want to study..
Tomorrow will be my first night staying in hall 9. LOLs. After so long. Seems like everyone likes my roommate. Haha. Hopefully it'll be a good stay even though it may not be very exciting with so many scholars around, according to roomie.
All right, think I should be studying now. Goodness, my skill of proscratination is ever increasing. baah.
Saturday, August 5
-11:43 pm
" The unfolding of your words gives light; it gives understanding to the simple. "- Psalm 119:130There I was, sitting on 852 on my way home from Northpoint, when I suddenly thought of what Mrs E.Lim taught us at the first lesson on electrons. She said that electrons fill up shells one by one, until when there's no choice, den they pair up to fill up the entire shell. (as this was only O levels chemistry, let's not dwell on S sub shells, D sub shells and what not, aye?). Then she gave the analogy of people sitting on the bus. She mentioned that no one will sit next to another when clearly there are other seats available of which they can sit alone. Unless, of course, they are trying to get fresh with the opposite sex. So when she saw lightbulbs turning the classroom brighter, she never let us while presenting answers on the board, to draw paired electrons. We must always fill up all the four sides with one electrons and then go on to pair them up. It was one of the most effective method of making me learn now that I think of it. I would always remember this particular lesson whenever I sit on the bus. It never amazes me how people truly follow this unspoken law of the universe.
Which led me to think, do people prefer solitude until when there's no choice so they pair up? Hmm food for thought. Don't know. Shall elaborate more when I've a clearer head for articulating my thoughts.
Damn, Project Runway hasn't finished on DTA. Made me miss a couple of episodes which the 3 finalists were doing the pieces for their collection. After looking at today's replay, I now understand why he was the winner. Tim was spot-on on his comments for them. Hope I can catch next week's finale. I sincerely hope my hall has cable tv. Bah.
Friday, August 4
-11:32 pm
This is what one does when there is nothing to do. Or rather during procastination.
Do unnecessary stuff. Muahaha.
Anyways, found this verse while I was looking through this name book in Life Bookshop. It's actually the spiritual verse (or something) that's attached to my name. Heh.
JaniceRoot: Jane
Origin: English
Inherent Meaning: God's Gracious.
Spiritual Meaning(sthg like that): Beloved Verse: "Do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewal of your mind, that by testing you may discern what is the will of God, what is good and acceptable and perfect." Romans 12:2
How apt. Sometimes the timing of God is just impeccable.
Neighbours from the next block are playing mahjong AGAIN. Goodness, they have this going on every week. wowers.
Moving into my room tomorrow. It's not bad. Haha. Rather windy and isolated from the academic areas which also means more travelling time. Haiz. Oh well. But it's nearer to boon lay mrt station. Better den nothing. Heh.
-12:26 am
I was probably right when I'd written that you were a "****" all those years back. Haha. Now, you can add "***********" as well. My intuition never fail me by too far. Looking back, it's rather amusing. Haha. But well, I still care.
I forgot to add.
I'm glad for all my friends whom I've known thus far. You guys are one of the greatest blessings God has given me. =] And I thank Him for that. When I've the time, I'll do a little piece for everyone if I can. Haha. Check back anytime within this month. Had this motivation to write eversince the last bible study.
Got to sleep now, tomorrow is a long day.
Kinda dreading Monday. -sighs-
“ But the LORD said to Samuel, "Do not consider his appearance or his height, for I have rejected him. The LORD does not look at the things man looks at. Man looks at the outward appearance, but the LORD looks at the heart.”- 1 Samuel 16:7
Thursday, August 3
-12:00 pm
"Another criticism of modern psychology is that it ignores spirituality, the soul, and spiritual concepts such as original sin. Not surprisingly, these arguments are made mostly by pious individuals, religious leaders (such as the Pope) and evangelists. These groups agree with the functionalists and pragmatics, in saying that the philosophical underpinnings of research are flawed, but they believe that the error of psychology is in its failure to acknowledge the crucial role that the soul plays in human behavior." "http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Psychology"Cripes. Thanks a lot la. Religious and scientific conflicts. The never ending debate between the two. Why am I always exposed to this school of thinking? Hai.
Can people send me more Christian songs? Find that I'm severely lacking in those. English and chinese versions are all welcomed. =]
Wednesday, August 2
-1:41 pm
Whew, don't think I've written much about what's happening in my life for quite some time already and my type-writing skills have gone to naught. Sad.
Anyways, so on the 22nd of July, met up with the CO peeps for drinks and dinner at Brewerkz. I like the ambience there. Heh and because they played nice songs~ The guys reached there early - surprise surprise - Turned out the ones who were usually early were the late ones. Haha. Our excuse? Because there would be someone who would always be later. The platitude almost didn't came true that day if not for LL who was at Cine with a friend before making her way down to Clarke Quay MRT station. Haha. There, we got this cushy seats and round table, perfect for interaction heh. And we took a damn long time to decide on what to get, bet the waitress was pissed with us even though she had to put on a smile everytime. So much for GEMS. haha. So we had Bourbon Cokes and a couple of rounds of pizzas. Bourbon Cokes tasted a little weird on the first try but I guess it went down fine as I got used to the taste. The vanilla thing that C and LL got was better I thought. Pizzas were fine though I still prefer Pizza Hut's. More flour and cheese. Haha. The shooter tasted like medicine or something and extremely alcoholic. Wonder why people like those so much. $8 plus for less than 10ml of alcohol. Acks. Found out that whenever I had consumed a certain amount of alcohol my face just go very red and warm. They said it's because I've poor alcohol tolerance but I wasn't drunk dammnit! Haha. Was perfectly clear and sane. It just need time for my liver to digest some of it you know, get used to alcohol in my system. So basically we just hanged out and updated each other about stuff. Played around with the cameras, took a couple of pictures and then we went home. Just a simple gathering, not that you can do much in Singapore with limited time and money. Hmm.
Then it was NTU CCF's camp from tuesday to friday. Heard that this was one of the very few times they had so many freshies attending their camp. God's miracle! =] Anyway, pretty much relaxing except for the talks the gan shi gave that gave me some food for thought. Hurt my elbow while running. Haiz. Now it's a little crooked I figure. Still cannot stretch properly. One feeling that I brought away from the camp was that it felt odd to be one of the minority - in nationality, rather thanbe in the majority as my whole life has been. If they are not malaysians then they are from hong kong. It's a little disoriented listening to people chinese but with the various accents and amusing to see people switching from malaysian chinese to singapore chinese and vice versa. It's something I supposed I must get used to upon reaching university life. Not only mandarin but also english from non-native singaporeans. It's not something bad but something unusual. It's interesting. But still, I'd prefer a singaporean guy. Haha.
That said, never had I thought I'll be a little perverse in hooking up with guys of other nationality. Does that speak of some hidden want to stay in Singapore or is it some snobbish attitude that shouldn't be commented for now? Perhaps it's just that I don't want to face the dilemma of staying in Singapore or to move to the hometown of my partner. Hmm, but those are somethings that are for future considerations.
What else.
Ohh, I've matriculated just now. Got my timetable and it sucks big time. 3 days study week. What am I supposed to do for the rest of the 2 days in school. I know it's good for relaxing but really, isn't it a tad
TOO relaxing? I know I still need to register for 2 more subjects but then from the schedule they have, there are nothing much in which I can take. Let's see how it goes then. Giving tuition is getting more and more appealing. I can have like 2 incomes per month if time allows. And still have time for after school gatherings if you want.
First week of school next week. No laptop for the first week in hostel. Just kill me. How to while the night away with nothing but the TV. I just pray that my hall has cable TV. At least I'll still have CSI and House to keep my life intact. Haha.
"Therefore, since we have a great high priest who has gone through the heavens, Jesus the Son of God, let us hold firmly to the faith we profess." Hebrews 4:14
Tuesday, August 1
-6:41 pm
Massive updates ahead. Some I guess are way overdue.
School starting in less than a week. How terrifying.
-sighs-
I totally agree with you Bel. =\
