Saturday, April 30
-11:18 pm
Yups, new layout. Got a little sick by the old one. The headings couldn't be displayed properly, don't know if it's 'cause of XP then like that.. Love this one. So nice right, flowers and music. 2 of my zui ai. Haha. Not going to church tomorrow.. Need to catch up with homework. Somemore got tests on the day right after SYF. Double boo. Hmm, got soccer league tomorrow with YF. Can wind down a bit. Anyone interested? There's another one on the 15th. Feel free to contact me for more information.. Prizes are really attractive.
My eyes are getting weirder by the day, especially the right one. Don't know if it's 'cause of staring at the computer for too long. Bleh.
Last post of the month. May is approaching. Goodness. May IS approaching. What had the time gone to.. This is all so fast..
Wednesday, April 27
-11:18 pm
Yeah! I'm finally online with my new computer! Okay, it's not MINE, but at least I'm using it. Hahah. Whatever. Must have gone crazy with all the CO practices and homework and irritating lecturers. I can finally play AoE with Aaron and Weewee. Hahaha. I hope.. I want songs in this computer!! It's sho quiet. -shush-
Hey Kendrick, no time no see! Haha. Man, how did you ever find this blog? Must have link all around. You must be damn bored. Haha.
Siao liao lar. We did so much for SYF, I really really hope we can reap the rewards. It's all in God's hands now.
Sunday, April 24
-9:04 pm
:: Tree ::
The reason I'm called tree is because I'm good at painting trees. Overtime I start to use a tree on the right hand corner as a trademark for all my watercolors painting. I have dated 5 gals when I was in Pre-U. There's one gal who I love a lot but never dare go after her. She doesn't have a pretty face, doesn't have a good figure, doesn't have outstanding charm. She is just a very ordinary gal. I like her. I really like her. Like her innocent, like her frankness. Like her cuteness, like her intelligence and her fragility. Reason for not going after her is because I felt somebody so ordinary like her is not a good match for me. I'm also afraid that after we are together all the good feelings will vanish. I'm also afraid other's gossips will hurt her. I felt that if she's my gal, she will be mine ultimately & I don't have to give up everything just for her. The last reason, made her accompany me for 3 years. She watch me chase after gals, and I have make her heart cry for 3 years. She wants to be a good actress and I'm a very demanding director. When I kissed my 2nd girlfriend, she bumped into us. She was embarrassed but smile & say "Go on!" before running off. The next day, her eyes was swollen like a walnut. I purposely didn't want to think about what causes her to cry but laugh at her the whole day. When everybody go back home, she was alone crying in the classroom. She didn't know that I returned from soccer training to get something. I watch her cry for an hour or so. My 4th girlfriend didn't like her. There was once when both of them quarreled. I know that based on her character she's not the type that will start off the quarrel. But I still sided with my girlfriend. I shouted at her and her eyes was filled shocked. I didn't care about her feelings and walked off with my girlfriend. The next day, she still laugh & joke with me like nothing has ever happened. I know that she's very hurt but she didn't know that my heart ache is as bad as hers. When I broke up with my 5th girlfriend, I asked her out. After going out for a day, I told her that I have something to tell her. She told me that coincidentally, she has something to tell me too. I told her about my break up and she told me about her getting together. I know whose the guy. He has been going after her for quite a while. A very cute guy full of energy, lively and interesting. His pursuit for her has been the talk of the school. I can't show her my heart ache but could only smile & congratulate her. When I reach home, the heart ache is so strong that I can't stand it. It's like a heavy weighted stone on my chest. I couldn't breath. Wanted to shout but can't. Tears rolled down & I broke down & cry. How many times have I seen her cry for the man that doesn't acknowledge her presence too. During graduation, I read a sms in my hp. It was send 10 days ago when I broke down and cry. I haven't read it since then. It says "Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay"
:: Leaf ::
During Pre-U days, I like to collect leaves. Why? Because I felt that for a leaf to leave the tree she has been relying on for so long it takes a lot of courage. During the 3 years of Pre-U I was on very close terms with a guy. Not BGR kind but as buddy kind. But when he had his 1st girlfriend, I learnt a feeling I never should have learnt - Jealousy. The sourness in the heart can't be describe by using a lemon. It's like 100 rotten sour lemon. Sourness to the extreme limit. They were only together for 2 mths. When they broke up, I hide my strong sense of happiness. But after a mth, he got together with another gal. I like him & I know he like me. But why won't he pursue me? Since he love me why he doesn't want to make the first move? Whenever he had a new girlfriend, my heart would hurt. Time after time, my heart was hurt. I begin to suspect that this is a one sided love. If he don't like he, why does he treat me so well. It's beyond what you will normally do for a friend. Liking a person is very heart wrenching. I can know his likes, his habits. But his feelings towards me I can never figure out. You can't expect me a gal to ask him right? Despite that, I still want to be by his side. Care for him, accompany him, love him. Hoping that one fine day, he will come & love me. It's like waiting for his phone call every night, wanting him to send me sms. I know that no matter how busy he is, he will make time for me. Because of this, I waited for him. The 3 years were the hardest to go through & I really want to give up. Sometimes, I wonder should I continue waiting. The pain and hurt, the dilemma accompany me for 3 years. Till the end of my 3rd year, a 2nd year junior begins to go after me. Everyday he pursuit me relentlessly. From outright rejection to a point in time when I felt that I'm willing to let him have a small footing in my heart. He's like a warm & gentle wind, trying to blow a leaf away from the tree. In the end, I realized that I didn't want to give this wind a small footing in my heart. I know this wind will bring this badly battered leave far away & better land. Finally I left tree, but the tree only smile & didn't ask me to stay. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.
:: Wind ::
Because I like a gal called leaf. Because she's so dependent on tree so I have to be a gust wind. A wind that will blow her away. When I first met her, it was 1 mth after I transfer to the new school. I saw a petite person looking at my seniors & me playing soccer. During ECA time, she will always be sitting there. Be it alone or with her friends looking at him. When he talks with gals there's jealousy in her eyes. When he looked at her, there's a smile in her eyes. Looking at her became my habit. Just like she likes to look at him. One day, she didn't appear. I felt something amissed. I can't explain the feeling except it's a kind of uneasiness. The senior was also not there as well. I went to their classroom, hid outside and saw my senior scolding her. Tears were in her eyes while he left. The next day, I saw her at her usual place, looking at him. I walked over and smiled to her. Took out a note & gave to her. She was surprised. She looked at me, smiled & accept the note. The next day, she appeared & pass me a note and left. Leaf's heart is too heavy and wind couldn't blow her away. It's not that leaf heart is too heavy. It because leaf never want to leave tree I replied her note with this statement and slowly she started to talk to me & accept my presents & phone calls. I know that the person she loves is not me. But I have this perseverance that one day I will make her like me. Within 4 mths, I have declared my love for her no less than 20 times. Every time, she will divert away from the topic. But I never give up. If I decide I want her to be mine, I will definitely use all means to win her over. I can't remember how many times I have declared my love to her. Although I know she will try to divert but I still bear a small ray of hope. Hoping that she will agree to me my girlfriend. I didn't hear any reply from her over the phone. I asked "what are you doing? How come you didn't want to reply?" She said, "I'm nodding my head". "Ah?" I couldn't believe my ears. "I'm nodding my head" She replied loudly. I hang up the phone, quickly changed and took a taxi and rush to her place & press her door bell. During the moment when she opens the door. I hugged her tightly. Leaf departure is because of Wind pursuit. Or because Tree didn't ask her to stay.
-12:04 am
Almost everyone around me is down with a captial D. Kinda weird that D can be used to represent a grin, yet there are many other words with "depressed" connotations starting with a D. Some musings that were.. Hate it this way, where everyone is down, and yet there is nothing I can do to help. A listening ear is more than enough, some may say. But an ear is of no use if that person don't want to talk about it, or just plain avoiding the subject.
Detest people who just refuse to give a closure. [Has got nothing to do about anyone. Just a thought.]
Friday, April 22
-11:25 pm
Caught "Underpants" with Yit Shan today. Excellent company and a wonderful night out. Haha. The show was pretty hilarious, with all the sexual innuendos. The actors were pretty great to overcome their shyness. It sure take great guts to act those scenes out, especially in front of your schoolmates whom you know will recognise you while walking in the campus. But behind all those jokes and wit, quite a number of issues were discussed, that's if I'm not wrong. Couldn't get most of them, though there were wisps drifting in the already half comatose mind of mine. Long day you see. Can't fault me when the show was a tad boring at some parts. Haha.
Hmm, guess it would be really really great if my class girls are to bond real good. Not that the situation now is bad, but wouldn't it be best if we can just mix around individually, instead of as a clique? It's not like we have got nothing to say to each other, in fact, I think we have tons to gossip/talk/discuss about! Everything under the sun is a perfect opening topic for all girls. Heh.
I'm hungry. I want food!
Wednesday, April 20
-11:36 pm
After what had happened today, I have come to two conclusions.
1. No matter how strong I feel about something, I do not have the capacity to actually fight for it. Especially if it is for my own gains.
2. It is clearly that we are divided into two. Civil war may just break out at the snap of the finger if we are to continue in this way.
Well, to people whom I've just welcome to my blog, reason why I didn't tell your about this is 'cause I don't really wanna exposed myself to people. But then they may have already found their way here and tagging away. Haha, I don't know. Only have started receiving mysterious blog-hoppers since this year. Somehow, I feel it's a invasion of privacy.. But I can't say nor do much since I do that too. So.. No reason to complain at all. Ah well.
CO. SYF. URGENCY. Guess this 3 words just cannot be ingrained in some's minds. And I'm speaking about myself too. Anyway.. I really wish that we can get a silver back. I mean afterall, if the teacher can actually say we are one of the or THE most promising batch since 27 years, then there must be something good about us right? Then I think we should put in more to get the results that WE as a whole orchestra deserves, ain't it? No pain, no gain. Surely that is not a Greek, Arabic or whatever language that we don't understand. If we can actually sacrifice sleep for that one measly test, then for this, perhaps the one and only full-fledged musical competition one can ever participate, why can't we do the same for it as well? It will certainly look good on your testimonial too. [but that shouldn't be the only reason for trying to get silver/gold. i mean, just take it as an opportunity to show off to someone/people that hey, i can actually produce beautiful music with this instrument, can you? be proud of your accomplishment. don't treat it as a dreadful task.. it maybe boring at times, but in order to produce that certain level of standard in music, discipline is crucial as it is in everything you do.]
Haiz, can't talk too much here too. 'cause I don't know who is going to pop by here, interpreting about the things I wrote. Then a whole lot of issues are going to be raise. I may be very paronoid, but then who is to know that it wouldn't happen? Really wish I've got a blog that is utterly secret. Haha.
I don't like my older TcIC. She really is ... ughs.
Sunday, April 17
-8:14 pm
Rawrrrrrr... Haven't blog for like eons but I don't think anyone cares. Haha. Whatever. So many things had happened, so many thoughts had flittered through my mind. Results of BT was a tad disappointing but nothing that was unexpected, hoping for miracles to happen but they don't fall on a regular basis or for the matter, without hard work being put in. -shrugs- It's only BT 1, I guess. BT 2 and prelims, and A levels! Onwards! Band 2 for PW. Hardly disappointing, but then with the whole cohort getting 1s and 2s, nothing to cheer for too. Haha. But hey, at least all our effort showed! This shows that we can do it! -goes off chanting mantra for A levels-
Okay okay, I know I'm "A level" crazified but with like only half a year more to go, who's to blame? Like what Melvis said, it was only last December since our CO camp ended and we were sitting around a table in Seah Im hawker centre crapping. 4 months had since past, mommy and daddy had entered the army, BT1 was over, BT2 is coming up, stepping down in a few months time. Wth! In short all I'm trying to say time flies! I don't want it to fly at this rate! JC life is my coolest school years ever, I don't ever want it to end.. I'll even welcome the mugging. sighs. But everything good has to come to an end, I'm just glad God brought me to SAJC. Goes to show no matter how much I want to be in a place, if it's not in accordance to His will, it will never happen.
SYF is just hiding around the corner!! And my 'lun' is seriously CMI! Argh!!!!!!!!! Thought I could happily 'anyhow' my way through but sadly, it will cost the orchestra. Not that my playing can somehow change/affect the piece, but at least, the Liuqin part can be heard. Now with only Liwen playing, it's too soft. Amelia and Lucinda are there too. Just hope the 3 of us can help Liwen in someway or the other. Haha. Boo! Wished I had practiced it correctly. Oh well, wallowing in regrets isn't the solution now.. All I can do is to just be more conscious in using the right method. bleh.. Haiz.. Man, we had to wear stockings, 'cause Ms Ang said it's rather hideously to see bare flesh flashing on stage. Haha. Wth. Now not only had we to get used to wearing the blazers and the long-sleeved shirts, there comes the stockings. Add this to the times I wished I was a boy. Haha. Oh wells.. Being a girl is good. You can get treated by guys, manipulate, oops, I mean, convinced them to do what you want. LOL. Yes, being a girl has its advantages. *utterly resolved*
Hmm, Life Concert. Seriously glad that I went for it. Was initially hesitant about it. I don't know why. It's as though something was preventing me from making a commitment to it. Probably it's the low low low level of spiritual sense. Felt that I was so so far away from God. I couldn't connect. I didn't want to pray. Going to church and its activities seemed like a chore. I didn't like my commitments, I was basically getting sick of everything. But then the songs sang at the concert once again remind me that God is always there. He will never leave, it's only me who chose to ignore Him. So guilty and so sad with myself. Teared too. Sermon again lifted me up. I love the song 'Complete'. Bel have you found it? Haha. I must really settle down to read His words, listen to my sermons in church, sing with my heart to the songs, and pray with all my heart. I don't want to backslide. It's so depressing. The sense of despair is so overwhelming and I never want to feel it ever again.
Never again.
I won't say I'm renewed, but at least, it's not that low anymore. I'm trying to see God in the everything I do. The lessons He wants me to learn from my everyday life. Little things that may seemed insignificant but nevertheless important. God will never let anything happened without a reason. That is my belief. To be careful with my actions, with my words, with my behaviour are the things I have learnt over the past few months. Things that had happened concreted these facts into my brain. And with that, I don't know anymore with who I can let go and be myself. What a disturbing and ironic fact. Please don't be disappointed by this revelation, my friends. It's just me. I cannot let myself go, not even with you guys. Just let me slowly open up. Maybe it's 'cause I don't want you all to see the ugliness within me because I won't be sure if you guys will accept it, for I, when presented with the ugliness of others, cannot. I'm trying to learn, to open up, to be more accommodating. It's a lesson learnt far too late, I know. But it's always to be late then never, ain't it? Bear with me if I get snappish and rude.
Whew long long entry. Has been a while since I wrote such a long one. Haha. One last final thought. * **** ** **** ** **** ****.
Wednesday, April 6
-11:21 pm
I don't know if I've post this before.. but oh well, here it is again..
| You Are a Visionary Soul |
 You are a curious person, always in a state of awareness.Connected to all things spiritual, you are very connect to your soul.You are wise and bright: able to reason and be reasonable.Occasionally, you get quite depressed and have dark feelings.
You have great vision and can be very insightful.In fact, you are often profound in a way that surprises yourself.Visionary souls like you can be the best type of friend.You are intuitive, understanding, sympathetic, and a good healer.
Souls you are most compatible with: Old Soul and
Peacemaker Soul |
| Your Irish Name Is... |
Maeve O'Keefe |
| Your Love Style is Pragma |
You believe love is logical - or at least it should be
You've thought a lot about what you want from someone
And to say you have a checklist would be an understatement
You may even have a plan for how you will fall in love
All you've got to do is meet the perfect person! |
| You Belong in 1979 |
1979
If you scored...
1950 - 1959: You're fun loving, romantic, and more than a little innocent. See you at the drive in!
1960 - 1969: You are a free spirit with a huge heart. Love, peace, and happiness rule - oh, and drugs too.
1970 - 1979: Bold and brash, you take life by the horns. Whether you're partying or protesting, you give it your all!
1980 - 1989: Wild, over the top, and just a little bit cheesy. You're colorful at night - and successful during the day.
1990 - 1999: With you anything goes! You're grunge one day, ghetto fabulous the next. It's all good! |
What Year Do You Belong In?
Monday, April 4
-5:52 pm
Was generally in a bad mood. Don't know why. Maybe it's 'cause of the monthly flux or maybe it's 'cause of certain things that I know or maybe it's just me, I have decided to face the world in a bad mood. -shrugs- Who knows.
Am reading The Da Vinci Code now. Read about it on Wikipedia. Apparently Dan Brown made gross mistakes about the various histories of the facts he put in. And I really mean gross. To think he even dare to say all the rituals and such are accurate. Maybe the descriptions of the buildings are, but definitely not the histories. Perhaps he never do his research quite thoroughly. But then the
things I had read could be wrong, or coloured as they could be written by Christians. [Ughs, somehow I feel that this could lead to a whole lot of debate.. Am just trying to look at things from both sides. This is what education can do to you.] It could be that they had got things wrong.
I am a Christian, and proud of it. And I believe in what I was taught in church, I believe that there IS a God that controls my life. So all these are just IMO - IN MY OPINIONS. Please do not flame. So whatever it is, after what I've read from Wikipedia, I don't intend to believe whatever Dan Brown had wrote. There are too many different point of views to consider. Yes, I will admit that perhaps there are some parts which Brown mentioned I have the intention to have some benefit of doubts, like the existence of the secret cult and their mysterious acts. But now, I guess not. It's going to be purely fiction, though the highly controversial content will sometimes make me waver. Bleh.
Ughs, I've to do the YF termly newletter. May God bless me.
Sunday, April 3
-10:44 pm
Why am I always getting weird people tagging on my doodle-board? Okay, not weird, but people who wishes not to reveal their identity?! HehHeh lol.. Whoever you are, oh well. Yeah, there will be one, starring Johnny Depp. Hehe. Yup, catch it if you want though I don't know when's the date of its release. Bel, it's disgusting lar. The whateverorganisation it is. Increasing prices still dare to say it's one of the cheapest around the world. Admittedly they are, but then look at the groups of people who make up the Singapore market and that of New York's. ... Besides, their standard of living is higher and they have so many other more form of leisure, other then going to the movies. They have the Rockefeller Centre, Central Pack what have you. Singapore. Where can you go? Arcade? Park? Malls? It's always the same few. Bleh. However, it's the company that makes all the difference. Heh, so people, I'm counting on you guys to make things all the more fun. Haha..
The thing about human nature is that once you are so tightly attached to something, when it's about to leave, you will have two very polar opposite reactions.
One: You wish you never had contact/had come across with it, so that you would not have memories to torture you about it. A clean, blank slate.
Two: You wish to spend every single last minute with it, so that you can accumulate as much memories as possible. To torture yourself with it. A colourful yet so utterly detestable slate.
What a hideous nature.
Both parties can't seemed to do anything so that a definite closure can be made. Not that it needed anyway. Ran out of things to talk about. Expired the talktime. It seemed like once he/she's off, the whole friendship/camaraderie is off. So is that all to it? Are the ties that we made over the past year so fragile, so thin that it cannot pass the test of time? I really hope not. I want to always have the time to meet up with you people. I want to be able to walk on the university grounds knowing that we will still acknowledge each other, talking about old times; stumbled upon you while off to some mugging session at a secluded cafe in town; catching up when I see you online. I don't want it to be a one year odd friendship which snuffed out just 'cause we are going on different paths of our lives.
I don't want.
